


Without You I Grow Weaker

by Glitterwriter



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-20
Updated: 2013-08-04
Packaged: 2017-11-16 15:20:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/540892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glitterwriter/pseuds/Glitterwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam and Tommy were friends before they became lovers. After their break-up they try to be friends again. Can they turn back the hands of time?</p><p><b>THIS IS NOT A NEW STORY!!!</b> I just post the betaed version. Thank you <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/users/beniblue">beniblue</a> for your hard work on this!! <3</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Downfall of Love

**Author's Note:**

> The story has some really sad moments, so if you don’t like angst, stay away. But I promise nobody will die  
> and there will be a happy end. Just because I can’t write without happy end ;-)
> 
> Disclaimer: it's just my imagination, I don't own the guys, even if I really would like to ;-) But I own the story. Don’t tweet this to any of the persons I am just borrowing here. And I don’t know the places I am writing about, don’t judge me.

 

 

_Everywhere that I go I see another memory_

_And all the places we used to know_

_They're always there to haunt me_

_I walk around and I feel so lost and lonely_

_You're everything that I want_

_But you don't want me_

Adam Lambert, Sleepwalker

Tommy doesn't really know when it started. He doesn't know if he ever had a chance to stop it from becoming so huge and ugly that he couldn't pretend everything would be alright. Now it's an issue; and not a good one. He doesn't know how to get over it. How to change it? How to get back to that feeling he had at the beginning; that easy, warm and nice feeling. And he is just sad, tired and lost. Somewhere on their road he just got lost. Like an umbrella someone forgot to take back home when the rain was over. For sure, the forgotten umbrella will be missed, but not until the next rain comes.

He really doesn't know when it happened. He was suddenly watching himself struggling and trying to breathe everytime he was doing Adam a favor. Every time he was with Adam on a red carpet. Every time he was willing to join him doing interviews. Every time they showed up in public. All cameras on Adam. All paparrazzi shouting for Adam.

lBecause nobody really cared about Tommy. And he is standing behind Adam. Always waiting for him like Adam's shadow. He was sure he would get used being the attachment without his own public identity. Just Adam Lambert's boyfriend. Someone whose name most people forgot. That's why they introduce him as Adam's boyfriend, without even mentioning his name. Tommy tried so hard to please everyone, to please Adam by doing this whole smiling--even-though-his-heart-is-aching-thing. But he knows that now he is at a point where he just can't handle it anymore. And he doesn't know what to do to stop the pain. He's lost.

Adam hasn't really noticed yet that Tommy was feeling that way. Because Tommy doesn't tell him and he doesn't show him. He is wearing a mask to hide behind. And once again he is accompanying Adam to an important event to meet some people; Important for Adam. So Adam is in the middle of the crowd, enjoying himself and the people around him. And while he is laughing at some lame joke, Tommy is feeling lonely among all those people. His head starts to spin and suddenly he has enough. He just wants to leave. He wants to be home in his bed, by himself, alone. He doesn't even want Adam around.

So he keeps backing away from all the people while he is draining the last sip out of his glass. His tie is throttling him. He tries to get it off, but it seems like it's getting worse. He needs some fresh air. He feels sweaty and hot. And in that moment Adams eyes find his and he asks with a look if he is ok. That's when he is really losing it, because he has enough and no, he is not ok. He is anything but ok. He turns around and runs out of the fucking club. And he feels like he will choke for sure. The air outside is not as fresh as he hoped it would be. It's just hot and sticky. Finally he manages to get the fucking tie off of his neck and then he opens the buttons of his shirt and keeps walking away. And then he can hear the door swing open and Adam is right behind him. He catches Tommy with his big hands. For the first time Tommy hates that he is so small. He feels almost fragile. He closes his eyes for a second and then Adam is right in front of him. Tommy is trying his best to blink the tears away. He doesn't even know when he started crying.

"Tommy, what's wrong?"

Adam looks down at Tommy with worry in his eyes. He cups Tommy's face with his hands and sees the tears in Tommy's eyes.

"Adam, I don't know if I can handle it any longer."

Adam is confused and a bad feeling is creeping up inside him. He whispers.

"What do you mean?"

Tommy tries to catch his breath to be able to steady his voice.

"Adam, I love you, I really do. And I don’t know why it’s too much now but I feel like I am getting lost in this relationship. I am losing myself in you. It doesn't feel like it would still be me here. There is emptiness. I feel like I'd disappear, piece by piece, and you... you don't even notice."

Tommys voice is sad and angry. Tommy can't believe that he can still keep it low.

Adam drops his hands. He seems confused and unable to cope. His voice is full of despair.

"Can we talk about it at home, later?"

But Tommy shakes his head.

"No, we can't. I can't. I've been waiting far too long to talk to you. That's on me. I was hoping you would see that I am struggling, but you didn't. I know I shouldn't blame you for that at all, but a part of me wants to hurt you back. You are my boyfriend und you don't see that I am dying here?! There is no space in our relationship left for me to breathe. No space to exist."

Now there is just anger left in Tommy's voice. He is angry with himself but also with Adam. And he does what he wants the most right now; he hurts Adam. And he does it just by telling the truth; his truth. He knows that he is not fair because it's mostly his own fault that things turned out like that. But something inside of him stops that thought. Tommy just wants to be angry with Adam.

Trying to calm down Adam, can feel tears forming in his own eyes.

"Tommy, what are you telling me?"

Tommy sighs. Tears are running down his cheeks.

"I am telling you, that I feel lost and I don't want to feel like that. There is no space left for me to be me. There is always you. I am not myself anymore. I don't even exist. I am just the man at your side. And it's okay, most of the time it really is. But sometimes I just want to be me, not Adam Lambert's boyfriend. I want to be Tommy Joe again."

Tommy whispers the last words. He is exhausted.

"Tommy, what can I do? Adam is drowning in despair.

He tries to catch Tommy's hands, to hold on to him but Tommy pulls away.

"Adam, just... just let me go. I can't bear it right now. I just need some time and space."

Adam is crying now as well.

"Tommy, are you breaking up with me?"

His voice is broken and Tommy shrugs.

"I don't know, maybe... I can't believe it myself, but... I don't know if I can be with you anymore. Not like that. I'm sorry."

Tommy takes a deep breath and looks up with sadness in his eyes.

"Yes, I do. I am breaking up with you, I guess."

Then he turns around and runs away. Adam is left behind. He can't say anything. He is just standing there, broken. Tears are running down his cheeks. And then he feels someone standing behind him.

"Hey, come here!"

And he lets himself fall into Brad's warm embrace. And he is crying on his shoulder.

 

 

*********

It's late when Adam arrives at their place. It seems like Tommy isn't there, there is only darkness.

He goes over to the bedroom. Most of Tommy's clothes are still there, he took only some pieces out. He also took his toothbrush and cosmetics. The whole place seemed so empty. And Adam suddenly feels very lonely.

He walks over to the kitchen to get some water. He switches the light on and jumps back at the sight of Tommy sitting in the dark at the kitchen table.

"What the hell, Tommy!"

He is pressing a hand against his chest and breathing hard.

"Sorry." Tommy whispers. "I wanted to be gone when you arrived, but I couldn't just go. It wouldn't be right."

Adam sits down in a chair. He feels like they're miles apart although their legs are almost touching.

"Tommy...." He starts, but Tommy interrupts him.

"No, Adam, don't say anything. I can't stay. I have to go to find myself again." Tommy is crying. "I'm sorry, I really am. But I can't stay."

Adam wants to reach out and touch Tommy so badly. But he doesn't. Instead he is crying too.

"I want you to know that I love you. I really do. But it's just not enough." Tommy's voice is just a whisper.

"But why isn't it enough? What do you miss? What can I do?" Adam is really desperate now, trying hard not to shout at Tommy.

"You can't change the circumstances. Your life is like it is. I thought I could fit in it, but I can't. I am not happy. And I should be. There is nothing you can change."

Tommy gets up.

"I will go now. We will find a way to handle it. I'll get my stuff in the next few days, when I know where I can stay."

Adam nods, unable to speak. Tommy stands in front of him and wants to take Adam in his arms so badly, but it would be wrong. It would hurt them both. So he just turns around and leaves the kitchen.

As soon as the front door shuts behind Tommy, Adam breaks down.

 

 

************

Adam is sitting at their kitchen table. No, it's just his table. He is alone again, single. And he tries to get over the fact that Tommy won't be back in the next minutes or hours. He'll never be back.

It has been two weeks now since Tommy left him. And somehow Adam begins to feel better. That's what he keeps saying to himself, like a mantra; it's getting better. But in fact it doesn't get better, it gets worse. He misses Tommy. It's like his home isn't a home anymore. Tommy made it a home and now, it's just a house, empty and cold. And everything reminds him of happy days with Tommy.

He gets advise from his friends how to deal with it, but it doesn't help at all. One of his friends even texts him: _"When you love someone let them go, when they come back to you they are yours, if not they never were."_ And he thinks what fucked up wisdom! He never wanted to let Tommy go. He didn't want to test their relationship. He was happy with Tommy. But he wasn't asked; Tommy made his decision and left him. And now everything is just dark and sad.

But somehow it is getting better. He can at least breathe again and this is a big step forward. He stopped texting Tommy. The first days after he left, Adam texted Tommy like every hour. Tommy texted him back but not every time. When Adam sent too many messages Tommy called him. And Adam was happy to hear his voice; Tommy tried to make it better for him. Adam knew he was acting like a diva, but he just couldn't help it. Two days ago he stopped texting Tommy. Since then he was proud of every hour he didn't send a text.

To be honest, he didn't stop out of his own free will. He stopped because Tommy moved on. Forty hours and fifteen minutes ago Tommy called him. Adam had sent him about twenty messages in ten minutes. When he answered the phone he could hear a party going on in the background and laughter. And Tommys voice sounded annoyed when he said:

_"Adam, I can't help you. You have to figure it out on your own. You have to let me go, if you want to keep me as a friend. I'm trying to get over you too. Please, let me go."_

After that call Adam decided that he wouldn't contact Tommy any more. He would wait until Tommy contacted him. And his heart broke a little more because he didn't. Obviously Tommy was able to have fun without him. This was hurting him more than he wanted to admit to himself.

 

 

*********************

Tommy was trembling after that call. He wanted to forget the whole drama and went to the housewarming party of a friend. Adam had chosen this evening to send him tons of messages. He decided to call Adam to tell him to stop. He felt guilty but also angry. Why didn't Adam see how much the break-up was hurting him too? He was sad and he was afraid about the consequences. He wanted to keep Adam as a friend. They both wanted to stay friends. They wanted to work together. They just have to find a way to get through the first weeks.

They will survive. But right now Tommy is hurting. They are both hurting. They need time to get over it, time to heal. Why doesn't Adam get that?

 

 

*********************

It's strange to meet again for the first time since the break-up. They haven't seen each other for six weeks and still it's hard. After all the tears both of them had to cry. They want to keep their friendship. They were friends before they became lovers. They want to go back there. Neither of them can imagine a life totally without the other. So they want to try and find a way back. They meet at Tommy's place. They want to have some drinks together and just talk about things; about the next album, the next tour, not about them at all.

But somehow they end up talking about them. Maybe it's necessary. It's calm and sad. But it's a good talk at least. Maybe they should have talked more before they drifted apart. But the fight is over. They don't talk to find a possibility to get back together. They talk to find a way to become friends again. It's hard and it hurts and there are things between them that will remain unspoken. It would have been necessary to speak about them, if they wanted to be a couple again, but they didn't. For keeping their friendship there is no need to talk things out. Maybe in the future when things will be calmer, when the memory of them as lovers has faded away.

So Tommy doesn't tell Adam how lonely he was in their relationship. Or how much the media invaded his life. Those thoughts will be left unspoken. And Adam doesn't talk about his feelings, because he feels like he has destroyed their relationship because he didn't care enough about Tommy's needs. He didn't see that Tommy was suffocating by his side. Adam is ashamed because he thought they were both happy, but he is also angry because he never had a chance to fix the relationship. Tommy didn't say anything until it was too late. Adam doesn't mention anything about it though. They just talk about some nice memories and about Tommy getting the rest of his stuff from their former place. And somehow they find a way to laugh together again, maybe the alcohol is working on them.

After a while they find themselves in a conversation about sex. Their sex was always great and Tommy hears himself talking about how much he enjoyed Adam leztting go.

"You were always such a control freak. But when I touched you, you were just enjoying it and that was so hot."

Adam is blushing.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. It was like we were in a safe place where I didn't have to think about everything. You made it easy for me to let go."

He sips on his beer and smiles at the memory. And then his thoughts are drifting away.

"What are you thinking about?" Tommy asks him after a few minutes.

"Never mind, it's nothing important. In fact it's stupid. Forget it."

He looks down on his fingers. Tommy punches him slightly on his arm.

"Come on. Just tell me!

Adam sighs but he starts to talk.

"You know, the worst thing about breaking up is, that you don't know it will happen, until it happens."

He looks up at Tommy.

"And because you don't know about that, you don't know when you have sex the last time before the break up, that this IS actually the last time. And that's what I think about now. I mean, if I had known that it would have been our last time, I would have enjoyed it more. I would have taken more time. And now in my memory there will always be this last time when we didn't even get fully undressed and I fucked you against the wall in our, I mean, in my hall. And it's kind of sad."

Adam gets up to get another drink.

"Adam, wait."

Tommy moves closer to him. Adams heart misses a beat while Tommy is cupping his face in his hands.

"Maybe we could make a new memory of our last time?"

Adam looks down into Tommys eyes. He is confused.

"What do you mean?"

Tommy starts to caress Adams face. "We could have sex, for the last time. Just to say goodbye."

Adam stares at Tommy. "I don't think that would be a good idea."

But Tommy ignores him and pulls Adam closer to meet his lips for a passionate kiss. Adam's mind is shouting at him to stop this, but his body and his heart are yearning for Tommy. And hey, it's the last time, what could go wrong? He is already hurt, it can't get worse, right? So he mutes the warning voice out and lets Tommy pull him to his bed. They strip out of their clothes on their way there. And they both can't stop thinking about how much they missed each other. But they don't say it out loud. They don't talk, they just touch and kiss. And it's so intimate to feel each other again; and so good, like reading a well known book for the hundredth time. You know what you can expect, but still you will find something new in it. They take their time kissing and touching every part of each other's body. And there is no hesitation in their movements. It's timeless. And it doesn't feel like goodbye at all. It's like welcome back, where have you been for so long? And then Tommy is sitting in Adam's lap, his back close to Adam's chest. He can feel Adam's cock deep inside of him, while Adam is kissing his neck. And he is pressing his back against Adam's chest for even more contact. He turns his head and they are kissing again. Wet and hot. And it's really good and then they both are coming almost at the same time. They feel each other trembling through the waves of pleasure, until it's over.

The silence afterwards is awkward. It's screaming in their faces. Tommy pretends he fell asleep, while they are lying on his bed. A part of him is hoping Adam would stay there for a while and wouldhold him tight. But another part of him wants Adam to leave as soon as possible, because he realizes now that it was a mistake and not just a small one. He knows he will regret it.

Then he can feel Adam moving out of bed. He is leaving.

Tommy opens his eyes long time after Adam is gone. He sits up and looks around for his clothes. Then he sees the note Adam wrote for him. He stares at the paper, not able to get up to read it. He is scared, because there is nothing Adam could say to him to make this whole thing better now. Anything he wrote in the note will be wrong and right at the same time.

After some minutes he finds the guts to get up to read it. He takes the paper with him to the living room. He will need a drink for that for sure . He pours himself a glass of whiskey and drinks it all at once. It takes him another glass to be able to sit down to read the note.

_"Tommy! It was a bad idea. I'm sorry, but I'm still not over you. And today you reminded me of what we had. I miss you so much. But I will really try to be your friend. I want to be your friend. And friends don't have sex. Let's make this one rule; we are friends without benefits. No exceptions! Because if that happens again, it will kill me. I still love you. Adam "_

Tommy wipes a tear away. _And I love you too, that's why this happened in the first place._

He writes a text to Adam. _I accept the rule. I'm sorry. I miss you too._ But before he sends the message he deletes the last part.

 

 

*******************

Adam is still amazed about the sex; Tommy felt so good, it was so intense. He wanted it to last forever. He was holding back as long as he could. He saved every memory of every little detail, every small touch and every sound, just everything. And he was inhaling Tommy's scent. He knew it was the last time and he wanted to enjoy it as much as he could. He managed to forget for the moment how broken his heart was and how much it hurt knowing that it was the last time.

As soon as it was over he knew that it would get bad for him; and he misses Tommy more than before and he knows that the sex took him several steps back again. He is back in his bed now and he can smell Tommy on himself and he knows he should shower to get rid of it. It would be way better to do this now. But he is not able to get up. He is so exhausted. He knows he will have to change the bedclothes the next day, but he doesn't care. Now he just wants to hold on to Tommy.

Just for tonight.

He knows he will be better again tomorrow. But right now he feels just like he won't be able to breathe again without Tommy's smell on him. It calms him and makes him feel safe. And his loneliness is a little bit easier to handle. When he closes his eyes he can still see Tommy's face in front of him. His lips are swollen from kissing. He can still feel Tommy's skin under his fingertips.

And for the first time since they broke up he can really sleep.

 

 

***************

They next day is hard. Adam wakes up and even if he can smell Tommy he knows he is alone. He refuses to open his eyes. He wants to stay in his dreamland with Tommy. But he knows there is a new life waiting for him, a life without Tommy. They are friends now, nothing more. He has to get over Tommy to be able to be a friend. And he can only imagine how hard it will be to just be friends after being so close. It was so hard to admit that they were more than friends just one year ago.

He opens his eyes with a groan and forces himself to get up from his bed. Then he is just moving like a robot. He changes the bedclothes and he takes off his clothes. Everything goes in the laundry basket. Every step he takes is controlled and sober. Every feeling he might have is buried deep in his soul.

But when he steps in the shower and the water begins to wash Tommy off his skin, he can't hold back anymore. He sits in the shower for a long time. He's crying while the water washes the last remnants of Tommy off of him.

Adam wishes his pain could be washed away the same way.

 

 

****************

The days go by. Adam is still proud about every day, and on some days, about every hour he doesn’t text Tommy. His messages are not about them anymore. He just needs the connection. Tommy is answering now every time and he is also texting him. And they tweet again. But they never talk about that last time. Somehow life is becoming easier day by day.

They don't see each other as often as they could or as they did before they were lovers. It's still hard to be around each other. There is still something between them; they both know they should have talked about what went wrong between them before they broke up. They’ve missed the chance and now it seems to be too late. They want to be friends and they don't want to deal with the baggage from their failed relationship into their new friendship. So they both suffer in silence. They’re still asking the same questions in their own minds and they remain unanswered. They’re not happy but they are okay, at least most of the time.

Tommy got the rest of his stuff from Adam. He put all the gifts, the pictures, the letters, the personal stuff he got from Adam in a box. He doesn't open the box again, but he doesn't put it away either. The box is under his bed. He doesn't even know why, maybe just to remind himself that once he was Adam Lambert’s boyfriend. To remind himself that he broke up with him because he was not happy, that he wanted to be happy and wanted to find himself again.

But even after three months he still has no clue who he is now. He didn't want to be just the man on Adam's side. But what is he now; Adam's ex, Adam's bassist, or Adam's songwriter? It’s not really better than being called Adam's boyfriend. This is worse.

But what he had forgotten during his relationship with Adam was that for Adam he always was Tommy Joe. For Adam he was never a shadow. He was his partner, his friend and with him he was at home. He didn't see it that way while he was with Adam. He just saw how the other people saw him, people who didn't know him, people who were not important to him. They were not part of his life. They were strangers. Tommy couldn't get his head wrapped around the fact that he let strangers make him feel lonely and uncomfortable. At the end of the day it shouldn't have mattered what anyone thought. He should have been happy about being with Adam and only cared what he thought about him, what his family and friends thought because for those people he was always Tommy Joe.

When did he lose himself and why? When will he find and see himself as Tommy Joe again?

 

 

**************

Six month after Tommy moved out, things changed. They had found a way to be friends. Almost like before. They worked together. And they could stay in a room alone without thinking about dragging the other one to the next available bed. Things were calm between them. Somehow it was almost good.

And then Tommy didn't come back from his vacation.

TBC


	2. There is No Getting Over You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy on his vacation

 

_Picture perfect memories,_

_Scattered all around the floor._

_Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it anymore._

_And I wonder if I ever cross your mind._

_For me it happens all the time._

Lady Antebellum - Need you now

 

Tommy was thinking about a vacation since they broke up, just having some free days on a beach. Maybe he would meet someone just for fun. First of all he wanted to get time to think about himself and what a chaos his life had become. But he didn't get any time for a vacation until the album was finished. Adam had some promotion stuff to do and Tommy and the other band members were finished for the time being. They had to go back in about two months to rehearse for the next tour.

Tommy started planning his vacation the day after he walked out of the recording studio. He was searching on the Internet for a good place to go. He knew he would need a place where it was warm and where he could be lazy but also able to have some adventures. So after checking about a million different sites he found the place he wanted to go to, Trinidad, near Maracas Bay.

He loved the pictures of Trinidad. It seemed to be a place where there wouldn’t be large crowds of people. He needs some personal space. He finds a hotel and gets on the plane a few days later. He wants to stay there for two weeks, just to find himself again.

He hopes he will be able to do that.

He doesn't say goodbye to Adam before he leaves, because he said goodbye when he left the studio. So Adam knows he will be on his vacation but will be back to make the tour. And Tommy doesn't even know where Adam is. So he just sends a tweet to the world.

_"I am officially on holiday and out of here right now!"_

He doesn't know if he wants to tweet from his vacation spot. Maybe a Internet break is a good idea.

 

 

***************

Tommy is amazed when he steps out of the plane. The country is beautiful and he can't wait to see the beach. He is not really into being in the sun too long, but the beach here is amazing and the water is really blue. He just can't stay away.

After getting the room keys he rushes to his room and is still amazed. He has a beautiful view of the sea and for almost an hour he is just sitting there on his balcony and watching.

Out of nowhere he is wishing Adam could see this with him. And before he can think about it he snaps a picture and sends it to Adam. “ _That's how my view will be for the next two weeks”_ After a few minutes he gets a message back “ _Enjoy yourself!”_ He smiles and leans back in the deck chair.

After some resting he decides to look around his hotel and the neighborhood. He enjoys the feeling of being out of schedule. He finds some information papers about the sightseeing here. He will read it later in the evening and maybe plan something he could do in a few days.

The hotel pool is beautiful and he also finds some hidden corners in the garden. Finally he is sitting in the pool bar, sipping on some fruity cocktail just because he is on vacation. And he is enjoying himself.

 

 

***************

On the third day in Trinidad Tommy is able to give in to the thinking-about-me-plan. He lets his thoughts go back to the time before he met Adam. He had a really shitty job and a dream, a dream of making music, of writing, and of being someone. With Adam, this dream came true and his life changed in rapid speed from normal to just over the top.

And there was Adam, making things so easy and so real. When he met Adam they had this instant connection and shortly thereafter they became good friends. The time they had together as friends was just crazy. They were on tour all over the world. Tommy was living his dream and his best friend was at his side. He also met new friends; people he knew will be there for life.

Then somewhere on the tour he and Adam became more to each other. Maybe it happened when his father got sick, maybe after he died. It was a hard time for Tommy and Adam was always there for him. Without being asked and without any expectations, Adam was just there. On one of those nights full of talking and cuddling, Tommy fell in love with Adam. After fighting against it and pretending to just being really close friends they finally got together.

Tommy sighs. He is sitting on his balcony, looking over the sea and thinking about the first months with Adam.

Adam was his first boyfriend, maybe even the first person he really was in love with. He really IS in love with, to be honest. And Adam was amazing; he was patient when it was needed but also strong and demanding when Tommy was too hesitant. Always the perfect mix, Tommy was falling deeper and deeper.

They managed to be together the first few months without having the public eye on them. There were just a few pictures of them in tabloids. After six months, Tommy gave up his own place and moved in with Adam. Everything seemed to be good until Tommy lost his mind and ran away.

He really doesn't know when or why it happened. He felt completely lost. There was suddenly so much going on around them, every day new people, new places, new pictures, and new rumors.

Tommy wasn’t able to handle all the pressure. Everything was new. Not only was he in a serious relationship for the first time since ages, this relationship was the one which forced him to come out and admit that he was in love with a man. On top of everything else, the man he loved was a famous Rock Star. Tommy was under media control before they were a couple. But after they became a couple, it felt so much worse. Out of nowhere Tommy felt like there was no place where they could go without being seen. Like there were always cameras in his face and people yelling Adam's name.

Tommy is not somebody who wants attention every minute of every day. He needs his own space, time to be on his own. Being stalked the whole day wore him out. But it was not Adam's fault. It was the business. Being someone, being in Adam’s band brought the madness into his life.

He can see now that all the fears he had were crazy. Adam was always there for him. He protected him as much as he could. He never told details from their life. He didn't push Tommy to make public confessions or anything else. He was always caring.

Tommy can see it now and he understands what really happened. But he didn't see it half a year ago. He panicked and ran away, throwing all the bullshit at Adam, and blaming him for everything. He broke Adam's heart for nothing and his own heart as well.

Truth be told, everything he felt then was not really there. Whatever made him run away didn't really exist. It was not real. It was just his stupid imagination and his stupid fears.

He realizes now that he was searching for a reason to dump Adam first. To hurt him so Adam would give up trying to keep Tommy. But it didn't work out. Adam wanted to stay with Tommy and he would have never broken up with him. So Tommy had to do it by himself. And he did. He is not proud of what he did. He realizes now too that this might have been the biggest mistake of his life.

No, he knows now, that WAS the biggest mistake! He wants to turn back the hands of time. Change his own words, his own decisions. Get Adam back.

Finally he is ready to admit that he was running away from the relationship. He got scared because it was so real and so close. Adam was everything to him. Yes, he felt lost. But it was because he’d changed. The former Tommy doesn't exist anymore. That's what people do when they are in a serious relationship; they grow together, they change. They become something better and stronger. Of course it is scary to give up a part of yourself. You can get hurt, but in the end it's the best thing that can ever happen to you.

Tommy has found the one person who was made for him. He knows now that he won't be happy without Adam. He also knows there is no getting back to being who he was before he met Adam. That person doesn't exist anymore.

Yes, he wants Adam back.

He just hopes it's not too late.

 

 

 

***********

A few days later Tommy met a couple, Tracy and Rick are about his age. They started to talk to him one evening when Tommy was sitting at the bar by himself. He was so deep buried in his thoughts of Adam, that he didn't see them at first when they sat down next to him. But then Tracy started to laugh and there was something in this laugh that reminded him of Adam. So he looked up and somehow after a few drinks they sat together at a small table in the corner.

Tracy and Rick are so sweet together. Tommy's heart is aching because that's how he and Adam used to be.

After a while of small talk they plan to take a tour together across the island. They wanted to get a jeep in the next days. Tommy was happy to get some distraction for the next days. He would go back home in 3 days. It'd be a nice thing to do to finish this vacation.

So two days later he finds himself sitting in the back of an open jeep, driving over the landside. And everything is so beautiful around him. They stop several times to enjoy the view. They see so many colors, Tommy can't get enough of it. And he takes pictures to show this paradise to Adam. Once again he is thinking about how stupid he was and how that could be a vacation they could have enjoyed together. But because of his fears he is alone.

And maybe there is no turning back.

He sighs while he is watching the green fields. Tracy hears that and walks over to him.

"Are you ok?"

Tommy looks up at her. "Huh?"

She smiles.

"Is something wrong?"

Tommy doesn't want to talk about it with her.

"I am okay. Some things just crossed my mind. Never mind."

Tracy keeps her eyes on him. "Hey, you are here in paradise, no need to be sad. Come on, there are some more things to see."

With that she walks back to the jeep. He smiles. She is right. He can't change anything now; he will have to wait until he is back home.

Tommy is still not sure what he wants to do once he gets back home. A part of him just wants to see Adam and tell him everything. Make him come back to him, make him take Tommy back. But a huge part of him fears that he’s too late.

Didn't Adam mention that he met somebody? Why should he even wait for Tommy? They didn't speak about the real reasons for their breakup. Tommy never gave Adam a chance to understand him.

He sighs again while he gets back in the jeep.

After a short ride over the island they get to a ravine, where they want to hike. There is a waterfall on the end of it. Tommy is not sure he is wearing the right shoes for that, but he really wants to see the waterfall.

They get out of the car and start walking towards the ravine. At the entrance Tommy looks up. The walls of the ravine are high and there is only a small space to walk through, just enough for two people to walk side by side. But he can also see that after a few meters it becomes wider. They are getting deeper and deeper into the side of the mountain and after ten minutes it opens up into a wide and bright plain. They look around and Tommy enjoys the feeling of fresh air.

To get to the waterfall they need to take a path to get up on the hill in front of them. The path is really narrow. But there is a rope they can use to hold on.

Tommy lets out a deep breath, because he hates heights. He is not sure if he can manage to climb up that hill. But he wants to try. Slowly they start to climb up. Tommy is very careful, because the stones under his feet are slippery. His heart starts hammering in his chest when he looks over his shoulder just to see how high they already got. He really doesn't like to be that high up. Maybe he should turn around and go back?

He looks at the path in front of him just to see that Tracy and Rick are climbing further up. He breathes in and out to calm down. But seeing that the hill is higher than he first thought and seeing how far up he'd have to climb makes him feel sick.

He can't see Tracy and Rick anymore. He wants to go back. He tries to turn around and then he slips over the stones under his feet, he is trying desperately to find a hold. He catches the rope with his hands, but he can't stop himself from falling. And it's like he could watch himself falling in slow motion.

Suddenly he sees himself hanging over the cliff; the only thing preventing him from falling down is the rope. He tries to get back on the path and sees Tracy and Rick coming back to look for him. They try to get to him climbing down the path as fast as they can. He is trying to get his hands on something to pull himself up. Now he is really scared and he starts to fight. Panic is taking over when he sees how the rope is breaking away and he is falling a few meters further down the hill. Now he is hanging under the path and there is no possibility to get back up. Only the rope is holding him.

His arms are getting tired and he is trying to get some hold under his feet, but there is nothing to get his feet on. The more he tries, the more the rope is breaking. The ground of the valley is looming up at him. It's too high to just let go and hope to stay safe.

He can't hear anything but his own blood speeding through his body. His heart is beating so fast, he could pass out just from that. But he is still hanging on the breaking rope. He is trying to find something else to hold on to. But there is nothing. Then his arms are finally giving in and he lets go of the rope, and the only thing he can see is Adam's face in front of him. He tries to reach out for Adams hand right before he hits the ground.

Then there is only darkness and pain around him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never been to Trinidad, just did some Internet research. It seemed to work in that story :)  
> And I promise: there is a happy ending, nobody will die.


	3. I Don’t wanna Be Just Your Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angsty chapter is angsty, just so you know :)  
> 

 

 

  
_"Since you've been gone_   
_I shut my eyes_   
_and I fantasize_   
_that you're here with me_   
_Will you ever return_   
_I won't be satisfied_   
_till you're by my side_   
_don't wait any longer_   
_Why don't you come back please hurry_   
_why don't you come back please hurry_   
_Come back and stay for good this time_   
_come back and stay for good this time."_   
**Paul Young, Come back and stay**

 

Adam is on his way to a date. He finally decided to give in and to meet a guy he got to know at a party. He is a friend of a friend of Brad’s or Danielle’s or whoever. He seems to be nice. He is not Tommy, but Adam needs to start dating again.

He is about to leave his house when his cell phone goes off. First he doesn't want to take the call but when he looks on the display he stops in his tracks.

"Hey Dia!" He hasn't talked to Tommy's mother in months.

Not since he and Tommy visited her.

Before Tommy left him,

before everything went wrong.

_"Hello Adam!"_

The tone of her voice makes him shiver. He goes back to his living room.

"Is something wrong with Tommy?" His voice is suddenly like a rasp.

_"Adam, I don't know. He was supposed to be back from his vacation two days ago. And he is not back. And he doesn't answer his phone. Did you hear anything?"_

Her voice is full of worry. He wants to comfort her.

"I am sure he is alright. He is sleeping in or something. Maybe he wanted to stay a bit longer?"

His mind is spinning now. He can hear that she is crying.

_"No, Adam. I can feel that something happened. And I don't know where he is."_

And Adam can feel it too. Something is wrong. He sits down and pulls his hand through his hair.

"Dia, I will take care of this. I will call you back when I find out anything. Calm down. Everything will be ok."

She agrees and Adam terminates the call. He is scared now. Something happened to Tommy! And it's something bad for sure. He tries to stay calm to be able to think about whom he could call, he doesn't really know where Tommy went for his vacation. For a second he really feels bad about that.

Then he shakes his head and calls Isaac. Tommy’s been living with Isaac for a couple of weeks. He must know where he went. Isaac tells Adam to come over to look in Tommy's room for the address of the place he went to. Now Adam is on the edge of a panic attack himself because Tommy really didn't get back from his vacation.

He is so lost in his thoughts; he doesn't even remember the date he wanted to go on. Isaac reminds him of it when he arrives.

"You wanted to go out tonight, didn't you?"

First Adam is confused. Then he remembers.

"Fuck! I have a date. I mean, I wanted to meet this guy. I have to call him."

In his head everything is going up and down. He doesn't even remember the guy's name. All he can think about is Tommy. He starts to read through his phone’s saved calls to find the guy, and yes, there he is _‘Craig_.’ He is tempted to just text but then he decides to call. Craig is sad and somehow Adam knows they won't meet again but it doesn't matter.

Isaac started to look around in Tommy's room. Adam tries to calm down before he goes into Tommy’s room too to join the search for a clue. It's kind of hard, because he can smell Tommy. It's hard to breathe. Isaac is looking over the papers on Tommy's table, but there is nothing. They decide to turn Tommy's computer on. He booked the hotel via the Internet. Adam tries not to look around in the room. He hasn’t been there before and it hurts because he sees nothing related to their past, not one picture, like they’ve never have been anything to Tommy. He bites the sadness away.

When the computer turns on he can see his own face as Tommy’s background. It's a picture Tommy took when they were on a trip to Miami last year. Adam is smiling in the picture, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. He looks so happy. Isaac tries to ignore the effect the picture is having on Adam and just goes through Tommy's email account. He tries not to spy too much and he is lucky to find what he is looking for after reading through a few mails. They print the address and the phone number out and Adam is already dialing it.

The hotel manager is happy to speak with someone who knows Tommy. He can't actually say what is going on with Tommy. He just informs Adam that Tommy had an accident and that he is in the hospital but he doesn't even know how he is doing. He just wants to know if someone will come to get Tommy's stuff. Adam promises to take care of it. He gets the number for the hospital and hangs up.

Isaac is looking at him. Adam is pale and his legs are shaking.

"What happened?"

Adam has to sit down. "He had an accident."

Isaac is shocked. "What? How is he doing?"

Adam feels tears burning in his eyes. "I don't know. I just... I have to call the hospital. Fuck! Why did this happen?"

He is crying now. Isaac sits beside him and hugs him.

"He will be ok. I am sure he will be. Should I make the call to the hospital?"

Adam gives him the number and nods. He is not able to talk to anybody right now.

Isaac is already dialing. Adam is rocking back and forth on the bed, not able to stop his body from shaking. He is watching Isaac but he can't hear anything he says. He is just thinking about the last time he saw Tommy. It was at the studio before he left for his vacation. Adam remembers how sad he had been, how much his heart was longing to take Tommy in his arms.

He can’t help thinking that he just wants to have him back now.

He wanted so badly to talk to Tommy about them. But he was too afraid to do it then because they wanted to remain friends. He was supposed to forget about them as a couple. He had to get over the love he felt for Tommy.

Adam is pulled out of his thoughts when Isaac is back at his side.

"What did they say? Is he okay?"

Isaac shakes his head. "No, he is not okay. He is comatose. They didn't tell me anymore details over the phone. But it seems to be pretty serious."

They hug each other tightly and cry together.

 

 

***********

Adam is able to calm down enough to make some calls to arrange a flight for Dia to get to see Tommy. He talks with some Doctors in the hospital to find out that Tommy is strong enough to be able to be transported back to LA. He arranges the flight and a room in a private hospital. He is doing everything almost automatically, just to stop himself from thinking about how bad things are. They don't really know what happened and how bad Tommy's injuries are. The hospital couldn't tell them much on the phone, some stupid hospital policy to protect a patient’s privacy.

Adam wanted so badly to fly to get Tommy himself but Lane convinced him to stay in L.A. There would have been Paparazzi or fans at the Airport and then the whole world would know that something happened. They wanted to get Tommy back safe first and then think about making some public announcement.

Now that everything was prepared, Adam felt the breakdown coming. Right before he could fall apart, someone rang his door bell. He was happy to see Brad and Danielle. They hugged each other for a few minutes. Adam felt tears starting all over again. Then they were drinking some shots and waiting, waiting to hear something new.

 

 

***********

Dia was back in L.A. with Tommy the next day. Adam and some friends were on their way to visit him. Dia was waiting for them. She said that Tommy had a bad concussion. That was the reason he didn't wake up yet. He also had some broken ribs, a broken leg and was covered in bruises. He was lucky though. He could have died. Adam tries to push that thought far away out of his mind. They were not allowed to go and see Tommy together. The Doctor said that only two people could visit him that night. The others had to wait until tomorrow.

Adam decided to let Isaac and Tommy's sister go in. He wanted to come back tomorrow. Since he was not going out with Tommy anymore; he had no right to see him any sooner before the others did. He gently pushed Isaac toward the door when Isaac suggested that Adam should go in.

"Just tell him that I’ll come back." He smiled weakly.

 

***********

The next day Tommy isn’t any better. He is still comatose. Adam decides to stay away until Tommy is  better. He is still thinking that he has no right to visit Tommy. He even feels he would disturb the family. It hurts that he is just a friend. He wishes things were different. But he is willing to accept that there is just friendship between them now.

He is really surprised when Dia comes over to talk to him. She takes his hand and looks in his eyes.

"Adam, why don't you come to see Tommy?"

Adam sighs. "It’s not my place, not anymore. I want to give you and Tommy space. I have to respect that we are not together anymore."

Dia caresses his cheek. "Adam, don't be stupid. I know that you and Tommy have lost each other on your way. But he is still your friend and you are very important to him. I don't know where you two will end up, but I am sure he would want you to visit him. And it's my wish too. Adam, you helped him so much. You deserve to see him. Don't make yourself unhappy."

Adam nods. "Okay, I will go see him. I will. Thank you. He means a lot to me. I..." He stops talking abruptly and Dia nods.

"I know. I think he still loves you too."

She pulls him in a hug. "You’ll see he will come back to us. He will be alright."

 

 

***********

Tommy feels like he is in a dream, like he is flying.

Everything around him is too bright and too clear to see anything. The pain is burning deep inside his body. But it feels like it’s not real either, like a distant memory. And he wants to cry because that feeling is scary. He tries to focus to find out where he is but he can't open his eyes. His eyelids are heavy and he is too tired to open them. He feels like he’s been laying here forever, maybe longer but he can't say.

After an eternity he starts to hear voices. They are talking to him. He can hear his mother. She is crying sometimes but most of the time she is telling him some stories about him from his life. It makes him smile inside. Her voice is like a pull towards life again. But the pull is not strong enough, or maybe he is just not ready to go back.

Then there are other voices, his sister, Mia, Isaac, some cousins and his mother over and over again.

After a while he realizes that he is in a hospital. Obviously the shoes were not good for hiking at all and he really fell down that fucking hill. Before he was not sure if it was just a bad dream but now he knew for sure that it was real.

He was happy to hear them all but he kept asking himself where Adam was. Why didn't he hear Adams voice? Adam was the one he wanted to hear but he was not there. Tommy felt sad and hurt. He couldn't blame Adam for not visiting him but he just hoped that he would come anyway even if they are not together anymore. Tommy wanted to hear Adam's voice again so badly. He needed to hear him. He hoped so much Adam would help pull him out of this emptiness.

Then Adam is there, he can hear his voice. At first his mother is there with Adam. He hears them talking. Tommy can hear how broken Adam's voice is. He is trying to let Adam know that he is here, That he’s trying to get out of this dream but he is not strong enough. He tries to focus on Adam. He knows that they are alone now.

Adam is talking to him; Tommy can hear the love in his voice. He wishes he could wake up so he could tell Adam everything he was thinking about when he was on vacation. Then he feels Adam touching him. That’s the first time since he’s been caught in this bright world that he can feel a touch. It makes him want to cry. Adam is just holding his hand and it feels like a connection, a string he could use to go back, but not yet, not yet. He needs time and rest.

 

***********

Adam is sitting by Tommy's side like every night, the whole week through. He is holding his hand and he is singing every song that comes to his mind, over and over again. He tells Tommy some silly stuff from their lives. Adam is crying, hoping and begging. He is begging Tommy to come back to him. He promises to be a better friend. He wants to accept that they are friends. Tommy just needs to come back.

That night Isaac comes around to see Tommy. He is smiling while he sees Adam sit on the side of Tommy's bed through the window. Then he goes into the room. Adam looks up and his eyes are so tired and sad.

"Hey! When did you sleep the last time, Adam?"

Adam smiles weakly. "To be honest, I haven't really slept in weeks. I try to catch some sleep in the mornings, when I go home for a while."

Isaac pats his shoulder. "You are still in love with him, aren't you?"

Adam looks back at Tommy. "I never stopped being in love with him. How could I? He is everything I ever wanted. But I can be just a friend if this is what it's meant to be, if that’s what he wants."

Isaac sits down taking the next available chair.

"Listen, Adam. I just don't know if this accident will change anything. Tommy has been sad the last few months. He was not happy. But I don't know if it was because of you. I really don't know. He didn't talk to me about you and I stopped asking."

Adam nods.

"I just don't want you to think that you two will be back together after he wakes up because that might be a hopeless dream. I don't want you to get hurt."

Adam sighs. "Isaac, I am here not because I hope to get back together with him; I just want to be here for him. I want to help him come back. That's all. For right now, I just want him to wake up."

"Yeah, that's what we all want too." Isaac squeezed Adam's arm. "And now, go home and sleep. You won't help anyone if you break down."

 

***********

Tommy feels like dying listening to Adam. Adam was giving up on them. He just had to wake up, and soon. Adam must know that Tommy is still in love with him too. He doesn't want to be friends. He wants to be with Adam, he is so sorry that he hurt him. He is angry at himself and can't understand how stupid he was to let Adam slip away.

He was fighting against the tiredness his body was laying in while he was listening to Adam and Isaac. He was fighting to find a way out of the nightmare he was in. There has to be a way to get back to life, back to Adam. He needs to wake up now. He can't wait any longer, he can't lose Adam again. There is no way.

He can feel his body fighting against his will to wake up. He hears Adam saying goodbye to Isaac. He fights more; struggling against the coma he is in, fighting against the brightness surrounding him for all his worth. He needs to find a way back. He has to pull himself back to life. Adam is all he needs to be able to get back, he just needs to believe in Adam, that Adam loves him and there is still a chance for them.

He is pulling on all the strings that connect him with his life. He wants to wake up for Adam before it’s too late. _"Adam"_ is the first word he manages to whisper before he falls back into welcome darkness. The bright light is gone.

 

***********

Adam heard his name whispered by Tommy and that’s everything he needs to stop dead on his way out the door. He turns around to look at Tommy.  The monitors start to blink with a faster heart rate, Adam walks back to Tommy and takes his hand.

"Tommy, come back. It's time, it's time!"

And then everything is going crazy around them. Nurses and Doctors are coming in. They get sent out of the room. And after a few minutes they get the news that Tommy is really waking up. He might need some hours to be completely back but he is waking up. Isaac and Adam are standing there in shock and then they are hugging each other and laughing with happiness.

"I have to call his mom." Isaac pulls away.

Adam goes back to Tommy. He can see the change on the monitor and he can feel tears in his eyes. He bows his head to Tommy's face and whispers "Baby, come back, come back to me. I need you so much."

And he doesn't care that Tommy might hear it. He is not afraid that his words don't sound like something a friend would say to another friend. He doesn't give a fuck. Because it's too late for regrets and he is too tired to pretend.

So he kisses Tommy’s cheek and whispers. "Come back, because I love you."

Then he sits down on the chair and waits for Tommy to wake up.

 

 

**********

Tommy tries so hard to open his eyes. It's like his body forgot how to do this one simple action, like they were closed for too long. He is longing to look at Adam. He knows Adam is still by his side, he’s been there for hours.

He must have fallen asleep because all Tommy is hearing is his even breathing. He heard everything Adam said. He needs to get back to life to tell Adam that he loves him too. To fix what he destroyed between them.

He clenches his fists and tries harder to open his eyes. His body starts to shake from the effort. But finally he can feel his eyelids moving up slowly. He has to blink a few times, even after that his vision is blurry.

He looks around, only moving his eyes. His mouth is dry, he can't speak. He licks over his lips. Then he forces his eyes to focus more.

Finally he can see the details around him. He is lying in a bed. On his left side is a monitor showing his heart rate. He can also see that there is some infusion connected to his arm. He is now able to focus his eyes so he can see the drops trickling down.

Slowly he turns his head around. It's aching. He feels like he has to remind his body how to move. Maybe it is really like that. Finally he is looking to his left. And there is Adam. He can't see his face, because Adam's head is lying on his bed next to Tommy's hand, the little he can see is enough to make his heart jump in his chest.

He wants to call out for him but his throat is dry and no words want to come out. So he puts all the strength he has left in his body to move his hand. He watches his fingers start to move. He stretches them one by one feeling like life is coming back to them, blood is flowing back to his fingertips. It hurts and he can feel every bone, every fiber moving. After a few moments he is able to move the hand forward. It's just a little space he has to cross to get to touch Adam but with his partly numb fingers it seems like he has to cross a continent.

Finally he is there. His fingers touch Adams hair and the feeling of his soft strands of hair slipping through his fingers makes Tommy cry. He is alive and Adam is here. He starts to caress Adam’s head. It's like he was never more alive than in this moment.

After a while he can feel Adam stir under his hand. He continues to play with Adam's hair. Adam is coming back from his sleep slowly. Suddenly his head snaps up and he looks with wide opened eyes at Tommy. Tommy has to smile about the surprise in Adam's eyes. They look at each other for a while, not able to do anything else. Then Adam gets up and takes Tommy's hand.

"Oh my God, Tommy! You are back, you are back!"

Tommy can see tears forming in Adam's eyes, but all he can do is smile at him and squeeze his hand. Then out of nowhere there is a nurse and a Doctor there and his mother. Adam steps back letting his hand go. Tommy's heart is aching at the loss of contact, but he has no choice to do anything about it because he is now the center of interest of the Doctor.

Adam and his mother have to leave the room until the Doctor is finished with his examination. Tommy doesn't want Adam to go but he can't say anything. So he is just looking over at Adam as he’s going out the door. Adam turns around before closing the door and he gives Tommy a shiny smile through the tears that are still running down his cheeks. Then he is gone.

 

 

 

********

Adam calls everybody who wanted to know when Tommy wakes up. They are allowed to visit him in the afternoon. Adam is watching Tommy as they are all gathered in the room. Everybody is greeting Tommy. There are hugs and kisses. Adam is happy that Tommy is finally back. But he knows that he has no right to get more time with Tommy than anybody else. He reminds himself that he is just a friend, even if his heart is aching to take Tommy in his arms and to kiss him. He doesn’t. He stays at a distance leaning against the wall while he is watching Tommy.

Finally he decides to leave for a few minutes to get some fresh air, to clear his mind. He steps out of the room and goes around to a small balcony. He steps out and takes a deep breath.

"It's hard for you, isn't it?"

He is almost jumping at the voice. He turns to the left to see Monte sitting on a chair out on the balcony. He smiles at Monte.

"Monte, I'm okay. He is back, that is all that matters. It's just a little overwhelming to see him. I was so afraid he wouldn't make it."

Monte gets up and hugs Adam. "He will be okay; he just needs some time to get his body back together."

Adam nods. "I know."

He wipes the tears away he didn't even notice he was crying.

"I am so tired Monte, exhausted, Empty, and it's kind of hard to see him and not be allowed to be… you know... with him. I didn't think it would be this hard." Adam sighs.

Monte pats his back. "I know. But maybe..."

Adam shakes his head. "No, Monte. We are friends now. I have to give that dream up and move on. I will go back to him and say goodbye. I need to sleep. Maybe now that he is better, I can finally sleep."

Adam turns around and walks back to Tommy's room. When he enters he sees that everybody is gone. Tommy is lying in his bed and his eyes are closed. Adam is just watching Tommy for a while and he lets the love he feels for Tommy overflow inside him. He can't avoid the smile that crosses his face when Tommy licks over his lips in his sleep. It reminds Adam how it was like to sleep in the same bed with Tommy. He resists the urge to touch Tommy and leaves the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote that fic a while ago when Adam and Monte were still friends. I didn't change it, because it's a fic and you know: not real. But I have to admit in stories I wrote later, there is no Monte anymore.


	4. Take me back!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy is discharged from the hospital; there is talk, a letter and rain... :) I obviously have a weak spot for rain. :D

 

_Don't leave me in all this pain._

_Don't leave me out in the rain._

_Come back and bring back my smile._

_Come and take these tears away._

_I need your arms to hold me now!_

_The nights are so unkind._

_Bring back those nights when I held you beside me_

**Tony Braxton, Unbreak my heart**

Tommy is getting better, day by day. His body is getting stronger and the injuries are soon healed.

After another 3 weeks he is allowed to leave the hospital. Adam just visited a few times during daytime. Tommy didn't know about the hours Adam spent at night watching him sleeping through the window.

Nobody knows about that.

Adam and Tommy never had any time to be alone. There was always someone with Adam, like he was trying to avoid seeing Tommy alone. To be honest, Tommy felt like Adam was avoiding him. It hurt him. He had to do something about that soon.

He called Isaac to get him home from the hospital. Isaac shows up with Monte. They decide to take Tommy to a Restaurant to get something good to eat after weeks of hospital food. When they step out of the hospital Tommy can finally breathe again.

They talk about the tour. They want to start the rehearsals in two weeks and it's so easy how the talk leads them to talk about Adam. Monte is laughing while he talks about the crazy ideas Adam has. Then he stops laughing when he looks at Tommy. Tommy is lost in thought.

"Tommy, you should talk to him. It's not too late."

Tommy nods. "I know. But he is avoiding me. He was hardly coming around. And we never really had the chance to talk."

Monte smiles at him.

"He is afraid. He thinks that you are just friends, that you’re over him and that he should move on too."

Tommy looks at Monte. "He is wrong. He should know. It's not like that."

Monte moves closer to Tommy. "But how is he to know that? Did you tell him?"

Tommy shakes his head.

"See, he doesn't know. That's why you should talk to him."

Tommy nods and puts the last bite of his Taco in his mouth. He knows Monte is right. He has to do something soon.

 

********

The doorbell is ringing all through the house over and over again. Adam is stumbling out of the bathroom.

"I'm coming, just a second!"

His hair is wet and he puts a shirt and some sweatpants on while he is walking towards the door. He is leaving a trace of water drops all over the floor. The bell doesn't stop ringing. He pulls the door open, an angry curse about to leave his lips, when he sees Tommy in front of him.

Tommy is alone.

Adam is alone.

There’re alone together at Adam’s house!

Tommy doesn't waste another second to get inside. He pushes past Adam and closes the door. Then they stand there.

"Tommy, I didn't know...” Adam starts, but Tommy interrupts him.

"Yeah, I left the hospital in the morning. I think we should talk."

He pulls his jacket off, trying his best to ignore the fact that the shirt on Adam's body is soaking wet and showing the shape of Adams chest.

Adam clears his throat. "What do you think we have to talk about?"

He turns around to go to the kitchen. Tommy lets his eyes wander over Adam's back and his ass. He is distracted enough to almost forget to answer.

"We should talk about us. I think I owe you an explanation."

Adam stops and turns back to Tommy. "No, you don't owe me anything, Tommy."

Tommy can see that Adam is struggling to stay calm. He knows him so well. It almost makes him smile.

"Adam, I think I do. And I can't go on as long as those things are still hanging between us."

Adam sighs and nods. "Ok. But I need something to drink. Do you want a beer?"

Tommy shakes his head. "No, I don't think my medicine will work well with alcohol."

He is grinning and Adam smiles back.

They end up on Adam's couch. Adam fingers clench around his glass. He can't look up and Tommy's hands are aching to pull him into a hug but he resists. It would be too soon.

"Adam, I just wanted to explain something to you I was thinking about while I was on my vacation."

He takes a deep breath and starts to tell Adam about his feelings when they were together. About how stupid his fears were and how sorry he is that he broke up with him. He tells him everything. And Adam is listening while he is sipping on his water.

After a while Tommy looks up and takes one of Adam's hands. He can feel him shaking. He starts to caress the back of Adam's hand, stroking in small circles.

"I'm sorry, I hurt you. I hurt us both. I was just so lost in my fears. But finally I found out I was just afraid to admit that you are the one. I mean, it scared me that my search was over and I didn't see it. And that's why I pushed you away. But now I know, there is no getting over you. And I just... I want you to take me back. If you can forgive me? Can you take me back?"

The following silence is killing him. Then Adam looks at him with an unreadable look on his face.

"Tommy, I don't know if we should be together. I don't want to lose you again. And I am afraid that you want to come back because you are grateful; not because you love me. I mean you were in a coma for days. I could understand that you’re confused and think you want to be with me. But I don't think that you really want it. I don't think that you are able to decide this after all that happened. I'm still the same man I was six months ago and my life is as crazy as it was when you left me. I don't think you really want to go back to that."

Adam's voice was sad. Tommy's heart is aching.

"Adam, I know how much I hurt you. But I'm serious about it. I'm serious about us. I want to be with you. It's not just out of a habit or something like that. I really do want to be with you. I love you."

Tommy is squeezing Adam's hand.

"Tommy, don't do that. Don't make me fall for you again. Don't hurt me again. I don't think I can take it."

And now there are tears in Adam's eyes.

"Adam..." Tommy reaches out to touch Adam's cheek and Adam pulls away from him.

"Tommy, I just... can you go please?"

Tommy gets up and nods.

"I'd do anything you want. But be sure, I won't give you up. I will prove my love for you is real."

He wants so badly to just take Adam in his arms, but when he tries to steps closer, Adam is backing away.

Tommy turns around. He knows he has to go now. He is just hoping he will be allowed to come back. To show Adam how he feels about him. He has to know that Tommy is honest about it. He doesn't turn back to Adam as he steps out of the door. It's just too hard to see Adam like that.

********

Adam breaks down the minute the door closes behind Tommy. He falls down on his knees and cries. Why didn't he just take what Tommy had to give? Tommy had a hard time and yeah there is a possibility that his feelings aren't real. They might be result of gratitude because he survived and Adam helped him. But maybe...

No, Adam is not able to take a risk on that. He knows he can't take a little piece of Tommy and enjoy it while it lasts. He knows there can only be all or nothing. He won't survive if Tommy left him again.

 

********

Tommy is sitting alone in his room, thinking about Adam, thinking about how to get him back. How could he prove that he is honest, that his love is real? He decided that he wanted to go back before the accident happened. He has to do something. He is yearning for Adam. He turns around to lie down on his bed when he hears a knock on his door.

"Come in!"

Isaac walks into the room with a small package in his hand.

"Tommy there is something for you. Your mom brought it with the stuff she has got from the hotel. I didn't know if you wanted him to get it, so I kept it for you to decide and then I forgot about it. Sorry!"

Tommy is confused. But then Isaac hands him the package and he remembers.

"Thank you, Isaac! You are my savior, thank you!"

Tommy jumps up and hugs Isaac while he is jumping around him.

“It’s always a pleasure to help you out, Tommy."

Isaac looks at him like he has lost his mind. Tommy is smiling wildly and then he kisses Isaac with a loud smack right on his mouth.

 

********

Adam gets back to his house in the evening; he had a long day and he is tired. Rain set in one hour ago, that’s not really helping to make him feel better. He just wants to take a bath and go to sleep.

The rain is getting stronger and he can feel the drops running down his neck. He steps on his porch and shakes his head like a dog when his eyes stop on a small package leaning against the door. He starts wondering how a fan did get this far without being stopped when he sees the name of the sender, it’s from _Tommy Joe_. His heart starts beating faster and he tries hard to catch his breath. He takes the package and goes in the house.

He turns the lights on while he is taking off the wet jacket and his boots. The whole time he is holding the package in his hand. Then he sits down on the couch and looks down on the package. Unable to open it, he is just looking down on the handwritten letters.

After a while he starts to shiver because of the wet shirt. But he can't decide to get up to change.

Finally he is ready to open the package.

There is a necklace and a letter in the package. He pulls the necklace out. It's a silver chain with a pendant in shape of the infinity sign. It's beautiful. He puts it on the table and takes the letter out of the package. He opens the envelope and takes the paper out. It's a handwritten letter and for a second he tries to remember when he got the last one. Then he starts to read it.

_Dear Adam!_

_I know that you might be surprised to get this letter from me. I am sitting here on my hotel balcony enjoying the beautiful view. The place is just amazing. But all I can think is how badly I wish you were here. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and take back the words which broke your heart. I was so wrong about everything I said, and so stupid._

_I let strangers pull me away from you. I let hate get to me and I stopped believing in us. You were always the one I wanted to be with. You still are. I am so scared that I lost you forever, because living without you is something I can't face. I don't want to be without you. And I don't want to be just friends. It's not enough. And it hurts._

_When I left you, I left my heart behind. I can't really understand now why I acted like that then. I miss you so much it's killing me. I am so afraid you moved on and I can't blame you if you did. You deserve to be happy because you are perfect. I'm still hoping that you are just perfect for me, that you still feel the same for me. Fuck, I just want to know if there is a chance._

_I would do anything you want to get back with you, anything._

_I feel incomplete without you. And I don't care if I sound pathetic or sappy. I just want you to take me back._

_Please, take me back!_

_I just want you to know that I love you more than anything else._

_I hope I will be brave enough to give this letter to you. I'll be back soon. Then I will decide about it. Hell, I hope I can make it!_

_Now, I will go on a trip with some people I met here. We want to see some badass waterfall. I hope it will be worth the effort to get there._

_See you soon!_

_TJ_

Adam lets the hand with the letter sink. He lets his head fall back. Tears are rolling down his cheeks. He can't believe what he just read. Tommy wanted to get back with him because of him, not because of the accident. Not because he was grateful. Tommy loves him.

_Please take me back!_

Those words are spinning around in Adam's head. And he wants nothing more than that. He wants to have Tommy back with him, so he could breathe again. So he could live life again because after Tommy left he just existed.

He gets up, grabs his jacket, puts his boots on and he runs out of his house. He doesn't care that the now heavy rain. He just has to get to Tommy. He wasted enough time. They wasted enough time.

He rushes over to his car. The rain is falling down on him. He is soaked to the bones after walking the few meters. And then he is running into someone and he gasps in surprise.

"Sorry, I didn't see you."

He wants to walk on just when the person stops him with a simple "Adam, wait.”

He turns around. "Tommy, what are you doing here?"

He steps closer. "You are completely wet, you shouldn't be out here!"

Tommy smiles at him. "I was waiting for you. I just wanted to be here in case you wanted to see me. And by the way, you are also wet."

He is grinning at Adam. And Adam can't help himself. He cups Tommy's face with his big hands and kisses him deeply. And Tommy melts against him with a sigh. They kiss in the pouring rain for a few minutes.

Then Adam pulls away. "We have to go inside. Tommy, you just survived an accident. You have to be careful."

Adam takes Tommy's hand and pulls him towards the house. Tommy can't stop himself from saying: "I am sure you will take good care of me!"

And Adam is laughing in the rain.

********

They are standing in the hallway. Rain is dripping down their clothes onto the floor. They stare into each other's eyes. Tommy feels like he is waking up from a nightmare. He is sure he sees the same thought in Adam's eyes. He steps closer to Adam. A drop falls from Adam's hair on his cheek and is running down to his lips. Tommy is watching while the drop is leaving a wet track on Adam's face. And then there are more drops. And Tommy begins to wonder if it's just the rain or if there are tears as well. And he reaches out with a finger to follow the tracks of the drops over Adam's face, over Adam's cheeks, his nose, his lips. That's when Adams starts to shiver.

Tommy clears his throat. "I think we should get out of the wet clothes."

Adam just sighs. "Yes, please."

Tommy can't stop the grin spreading across his face. He takes one step back and starts to take his boots off. After the boots he takes of his socks. Adam doesn't move. Tommy bites a smile away while he starts to take of his jacket. He lets it fall to the floor. It hits the floor with a bang. Adams snaps back to reality and starts to take his own jacket off. After that he tries to get out of his boots, but he has to look away from Tommy to open them.

When he finally looks back, Tommy managed to take his shirt off and is slowly working on the zipper of his jeans. Again Adam has to stop and let his eyes wander over Tommy. He is not able to move while he is looking at Tommy's arms and his chest. He knows that body so well. He loves that body, every little piece of it.

Tommy lets his jeans fall to the floor and Adam can't stop a moan from leaving his mouth because... "Holy fuck, Tommy! No briefs today?" He is just gasping those words out. Tommy just shrugs while he steps out of his jeans.

“I was out, I have to do laundry.” and he grins.

Naked as he is he steps closer to Adam.

Adam still isn't able to move. Tommy starts to undress him. He takes Adam's shirt off. Then he opens Adam's jeans. He pushes his hands just under the waistband and pushes them down. Adam lets out another gasp while Tommy cups his ass. Tommy is smiling. When the jeans hit the floor and Adam is just standing there in his black briefs, Tommy takes his hand to lead him towards the bathroom.

"I think we both can use some hot water to warm up."

Adam follows him like he is in a trance.

Then they are in the shower. Adam lost his briefs somewhere on the way, who cares where. The water is running over their cold bodies while they explore each other with clumsy hands. It should be easier to follow the lines. They know each other so well. Their bodies remember how good they fit together. Still there is something that makes them feel like this is their first time again.

But as soon as Adam pulls Tommy close, their cocks slide together and there is no holding back anymore. They are kissing like there is no tomorrow. Their tongues are fighting a battle while their hands run over each other’s’ bodies, all wet and hot under the water. Then there are hands between them, they grasp and stroke together towards a fast release. They’re unable to stop, unable to think, consumed by the feeling of need and hunger. And then it's over and they are leaning against each other, panting and trying to calm down.

Adam is the first that’s able to speak.

"Sorry, I couldn't stop myself.”

Tommy looks up at him and just grins. "Ditto."

Then he takes the shower gel and starts to wash Adam's body. Adam takes the hint and is washing Tommy in turn. They step out of the shower and Adam is back in control. He pulls Tommy with him towards the bedroom, not really caring that they are still wet. On his way he grabs a big towel and starts to dry them off as soon as they enter the bedroom. They stumble over to the bed and Tommy can feel how he is falling. He lands on his back on the bed and Adam crawls up over him.

"Should we talk?" Adam is asking while his body comes down to lie on Tommy.

Tommy has to laugh. "You think I am able to talk while your gorgeous body is laying on me?"

Adam is laughing back. "I love you, Tommy Joe! I think it's all I have to say for now anyway."

Right before their lips meet, Tommy is breathing "I love you too." Then there are no more words for a while. They will have to talk later.

This time there is no hurry in their movements. Slowly they take turn back the hands of time to regain what seemed to be lost forever. It's like the caresses, kisses and licks take all the pain of the last months away.. And even though they know each other so well, there is something new between them too. Like their hands and mouths run over lost memories and build new ones as they touch, better ones.

And when their bodies are finally joined together, they know that they won't ever be apart again. They never really were. Their passion takes them away and everything feels just right.

Afterwards Tommy is lying with his head on Adam's chest, Adam is holding his hand. Tommy looks up and he can see that Adam is trying his best to stay awake. He has to smile. He moves up a little to look down on Adam's face. He leans down and kisses Adam. There is nothing sexual about that kiss, just pure love.

"Sleep my love. We can talk about anything you want tomorrow. I will be here. I won't ever leave you again."

Adam needed to hear that. He closes his eyes with a sigh and pulls Tommy closer to his own body. After a few moments he is asleep. Tommy closes his eyes and while he is falling asleep he can't stop smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed the crazy ride. Thank you for your comments and kudos :)


End file.
